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Kelly just read your story and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and praying you have the wisdom to make the right decision. You life is such a testament to what a strong woman you are.
When she asks, and she will, she’ll be strong enough to handle the truth. Just as you were strong enough to author it. It’s not one bit fair that you have to field the questions, but none of it was fair was it? You made it, and you made it in no small part because of her. So maybe you start with a thank you. And then you tell her you love her.
Because at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
Someday you will tell her the truth. The whole ugly lot of it. You are a stronger woman than you are probably feeling right now, and most likely you’re raising your daughter to be just as strong.
Hi Kelly, I just read your story at Violence Unsilenced and I felt compelled to come here and comment instead.
You lived through hell with him, and you survived. You triumphed over his shit and your attraction to it and what came out of it is her. How awful (that word definitely doesn’t even begin to descibe it) that you had to go through all that to come to bask in the love of your daughter.
But you did and did so with tenacity and courage and a deep knowing that life was worth fighting for because she was in it now.
I have a bio father who never was or will be my dad. While I wondered where he was when I was younger, I never thought I lacked because he wasn’t in it. Over the years my mother has told me dribs and drabs about him and them and why it ended, but really I wanted to know who was accountable for the breakup. My mother never answered that question outright, but I know there was a reason other than “we just drifted apart” or “we wanted different things in the end”. The truth is Kelly, I don’t care, now as an adult. My life with my mother and step-dad (who adopted me) and new siblings rocked and more than made up for the possible life I could have had with my bio-dad. Do I wonder how he could have not acknowledged us or sent us money or lived with himself knowing he had two daughters somewhere? Yes, yes, and yes. But I’ll never know the answers because I choose to knowing my life is ten times better and beautiful without him. That’s what’s important to me now.
I’m grateful to my mother that she didn’t shy away from my questions about him. She told me as much of the truth as she thought I could handle. And, I suspect she didn’t want to tarnish any memories I had of him in our brief life together. I know the experts in child psychology say that’s the way it should be, don’t bad mouth the other parent, it’s screws with the child’s perseption and loyalty to them.
Based on my experience as a daughter-of-a-single-mom-who-married-another-man-and-my-bio-father-was-barely-in-the-picture (and I mean barely)-to-begin-with. honor your daughter’s questions and curiosity with the same grace and compassion you’ve shown yourself through your healing. You’ll know when to tell the truth and when to tell your brutal truth. Find help if you need to, professional, on-line or through support groups about this kind of tortuous predicatment. Or if you think I may help as I’m on the other side of the fence, email me.
Peace from my heart to your heart Kelly,
Lillithmother
and then she writes 
April 27, 2009 at 10:24 pm |
Kelly just read your story and I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and praying you have the wisdom to make the right decision. You life is such a testament to what a strong woman you are.
April 30, 2009 at 2:32 pm |
I don’t know. But I’m so, so sorry.
May 4, 2009 at 1:23 pm |
When she asks, and she will, she’ll be strong enough to handle the truth. Just as you were strong enough to author it. It’s not one bit fair that you have to field the questions, but none of it was fair was it? You made it, and you made it in no small part because of her. So maybe you start with a thank you. And then you tell her you love her.
Because at the end of the day, that’s what matters.
May 4, 2009 at 9:34 pm |
The truth.
Kids can cope with anything as long as it’s the truth. She already knows you love her.
May 5, 2009 at 1:39 pm |
Someday you will tell her the truth. The whole ugly lot of it. You are a stronger woman than you are probably feeling right now, and most likely you’re raising your daughter to be just as strong.
May 12, 2009 at 1:15 am |
Hi Kelly, I just read your story at Violence Unsilenced and I felt compelled to come here and comment instead.
You lived through hell with him, and you survived. You triumphed over his shit and your attraction to it and what came out of it is her. How awful (that word definitely doesn’t even begin to descibe it) that you had to go through all that to come to bask in the love of your daughter.
But you did and did so with tenacity and courage and a deep knowing that life was worth fighting for because she was in it now.
I have a bio father who never was or will be my dad. While I wondered where he was when I was younger, I never thought I lacked because he wasn’t in it. Over the years my mother has told me dribs and drabs about him and them and why it ended, but really I wanted to know who was accountable for the breakup. My mother never answered that question outright, but I know there was a reason other than “we just drifted apart” or “we wanted different things in the end”. The truth is Kelly, I don’t care, now as an adult. My life with my mother and step-dad (who adopted me) and new siblings rocked and more than made up for the possible life I could have had with my bio-dad. Do I wonder how he could have not acknowledged us or sent us money or lived with himself knowing he had two daughters somewhere? Yes, yes, and yes. But I’ll never know the answers because I choose to knowing my life is ten times better and beautiful without him. That’s what’s important to me now.
I’m grateful to my mother that she didn’t shy away from my questions about him. She told me as much of the truth as she thought I could handle. And, I suspect she didn’t want to tarnish any memories I had of him in our brief life together. I know the experts in child psychology say that’s the way it should be, don’t bad mouth the other parent, it’s screws with the child’s perseption and loyalty to them.
Based on my experience as a daughter-of-a-single-mom-who-married-another-man-and-my-bio-father-was-barely-in-the-picture (and I mean barely)-to-begin-with. honor your daughter’s questions and curiosity with the same grace and compassion you’ve shown yourself through your healing. You’ll know when to tell the truth and when to tell your brutal truth. Find help if you need to, professional, on-line or through support groups about this kind of tortuous predicatment. Or if you think I may help as I’m on the other side of the fence, email me.
Peace from my heart to your heart Kelly,
Lillithmother
May 12, 2009 at 6:01 am |
thank you so much for your words as I needed them tonight….. I appreciate it more than you know…
May 13, 2009 at 12:49 pm |
Sometimes we are given new mommies and daddies to love us.
Just because….
Sometimes we are so special we deserve more love in our lives than other kids have.
Just because….
I am 39 years old and sometimes “just because” still works for me too.