they come easily.. and yet not. and they are hidden and tucked away in corners of not only myself but of my computer.. and I just don’t know who to trust anymore. i put on the front and i try to fix it… whatever it is… i sit and i listen to the silence and sometimes it startles me… and i wonder..
i know i have wondered it a thousand times…
how did i get here?
he sleeps sound in the other room so sound… unaware… surrounded by babies he begged for. i sit up way too late… drinking white wine and listening to songs my mom sends me on itunes that make me want to cry. i try to figure out everyones schedules and dramas and life… and i can’t.
i stay up to hear myself breathe i think… i am not screaming… i am not crying… i am just.
me.
and who is that anymore?
the song plays…. ” honey i miss you… are you ok? baby i miss you…. are you coming home”
wow.
i wish i could answer that. and honestly i wish i knew where that was.
sometimes it is here… sometimes it is not.
sometimes i want nothing more than a day of no yelling for juice or crackers or more.
and i know… i know, they will grow and leave and i will be left here.
but.
sometimes i want to yell for me…
selfish as it sounds.
he has become something and someone i dont know.
and i love him
i do
but
i am unsure.
how in the hell do you wake up unsure with 5 kids?
sorry
unsure is not acceptable.
be ok.
l&c it wasn’t the curly one..
altho i loved him dearly.. and always will.
the 25th will work out…
even if it is martinis on the 28th…
all is well right?
im coming home……….
