it was a wedding………

a wedding and a change of life.  a wedding where i realized that i was capable of being loved.  a wedding where they said I do……..but meant i dont……a wedding that changed it all…. he had always been a kid, the younger one…… the one with the curls that we would tease……… and yet …… at that wedding he was the one.  And I was in a place that was so lost… a place so foreign……….  survive maybe………. and they were so mad………so so so mad and yet now……..looking  back……..now that you are gone….. I am ok with that.  You brought me wine and told me I was beautiful and I hadn’t been told that in years and you loved me that weekend with no questions………loved me with the kids and the sand and the chaos more than I will ever hope to ever be loved again……

and now…….

you are gone.

i sat with you as you were dying and I told you how much I loved you and how sorry i was……..  we had planned many things……….we had so many places to go……so many things to do.

and i didn’t understand how much i loved you.

and it creeps in……

3 am

or mid afternoon

and i am there

begging you to live

to go to cabo

begging you to let me make it ok…………

and i cant.

i couldn’t.

fuck.

you slipped away as i went one last time………

the drive……..hours and hours… with kids screaming and crying.

i arrive………everyone is in death mode………

and it scares me.

you cant die.

your kids?

your family?

me?

wait……………….

i am not ready………

i  go and get a smoothie for you…………….. and it is not enough………

nothing is

and i think of you telling me you love me

over and

over again………

i make bargains with god…….. i plead…………….

i cant make it right.

i cant make you ok…..

i leave……….

a drawn out process that breaks who I am………. I drive thru that valley i told you of………

i beg you in my dreams to be ok……………..

she calls…….

screaming and i knew.

the void.

and

i

am sorry.

so god-damned sorry.

i sit here  now

and

it is not quiet

and i wonder just where in the fuck you are……………..

and i miss you

in ways that no one will ever

understand.

and i

love you

more than i care

to admit…….

i still play your voice

on that machine

and i still wish

that this was not

what is.

you know i have a

son now…..

named for

you

but not……..

remember the valley? i know you do.

and

i

cant look at him

without

thinking

of what we lost………

or

without

knowing

what we

would

have

become.

and i just miss you.

and i just love you.

and im sorry……

i tried to make it ok.

really, i did.

meet me in McCall……………………….

xo