I am listening to somedays by Regina Spektor on repeat…. I get like that sometimes. I get lost in a song and it feels safe and I dont feel so alone. I cant explain why… not to him, not to anyone. The last couple weeks have been rough….
M is here for the summer…. he came with his suitcase full of mind games and his fathers issues… handed down so that he can carry them around. The dynamic here is confusing… he doesn’t want to be here… he doesn’t want to do this. He misses his dad. He misses his life where he is the only one… not one of many. He is angry at me that I want to make him more responsible, more amazing. He walks around with anger in his pocket and I cant make it better. He wants to go and it makes me feel like shit that somedays I think this might be ok. I want to grab him and shake him and tell him how much I have always loved him. I want to tell him how much I miss him…. the words are spoken but he looks at me like I am speaking greek. His father can do no wrong…. he doesnt understand that I left for a reason… that I couldnt stay.
He is mad that we moved states away. He is so mad. He tells me I love them all more….
he couldnt be more wrong.
and it confuses me…. that we left to save and protect her and in doing so I am losing him.
i know he will say it soon… and the courts with the men in suits and ties say he is old enough to choose. That realization, that fear is swirling in my head and confusing my head more.
this year seems to never end.
each month brings with it a new set of consequences…. a new set of promise….. a new set of emotions.
things i did without thought so many years ago are starting to rear their ugly heads…… i am being held accountable and it is killing me.
the kids all scream and fight as do J and I.
I have never felt as distanced from him as I do now.
somedays.
We have sex and try to cling to that moment when we feel as one. it is fleeting….
and it makes nothing and everything ok.
“Somedays aren’t yours at all,
They come and go
As if they’re someone else’s days
They come and leave you behind someone else’s face
And it’s harsher than yours
And colder than yours”
i keep thinking that it will all pass…. that it will all make sense…. that I will wake up happy…. that my anger will go and I will be left with answers.
someday.
